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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.